from Courtney Renee by everybody loves courtKNEE
With all the things running through my head right now... I could totally write a song... or... 5. I feel happy, stressed beyond all measure, but happy.
I am working on being happy with myself (which by the way, has never come easy to me) I am studying my scriptures, reading conference talks, being open and honest with those near and dear to me... you know, just doing all I can to be the happiest lil me there is to be!
I am working on letting the past be just that... the past. It is sooo hard to let go. It is hard to forgive myself of past mistakes and feel right again. Whole again. I think that is one of the biggest rocks on this 1st mountain I started to climb (sorry if the whole mountain analogy is getting old, but it isn't to me... so deal with it :) but I also know that once we have been forgiven by Him, it is forgotten. So I try my hardest to remember that and press forward. Onward and upward.
I am working on my future. This is a huge thing for me right now. I tend to get antsy and impatient with this topic, because it is so important to me! I refuse to try and rush it again. We see where that has gotten me in the past 4 months. I have learned so, so much, yes... but I need to put the will of my Father in Heaven before my own. College and career wise, I am trying to figure out what to pay next and how to pay this and that so I can reach my goal. Goal: to be able to move back to school, any school, somewhere!!! at LEAST by fall of 11. A year? Heck yes... totally reachable!
But with all that being said... I want to move away. I want to board the next plane to... anywhere USA and start over. Drastic of course. I know how to do drastic. Ask Matt and my parents! BUT, I have also learned to face the present and make the future I want, possible. SO, I need some encouragement because I am totally buckling down so I can figure out where a 24 year old Texas gal needs to go next :)
Night y'all!!!
...pride? naaaaaaaaah...
from Courtney Renee by everybody loves courtKNEE
Where to start? The past few weeks have been like a roller coaster ride of emotional turns, loops, and hills. The first two(ish) weeks of the break up, I was focused on me and me only... or so I thought. (denial? yeah probably) Now that I look back I was more focused on what I could do to make it work again. I felt like my future would be secure with him. I was dreaming of the day he would get back down on his knee an re-propose. We said we would be friends and see where things went from there.
I let myself log on to facebook and I went to his page. Mistake. Who is that girl? What does she have that I don't? Was it because he found her that we ended? Was it because he changed his mind? Was I just not good enough? Is he really better than me? My thoughts were running wild, kinda like an untamed dog that escaped out the front door. I felt a wave of bitter sadness that turned to anger. Jealousy. I hate to admit that. I hate it more than I can express... but it happened. I prayed that I would get past this. I knew in my heart before we even broke up that we weren't right for each other but like I said, I felt a sense of security. He had the spiritual qualities I wanted in a guy. I never dated a guy so strong in the gospel. Was that what I fell so in love with? Maybe... We just didn't click shortly after the engagement. I was always on the defensive. I was easy to get annoyed. He didn't deserve that, but neither did I.
The first time I ever admitted out loud that I knew he wasn't right for me was shortly after the break up to my Mom. She knew it as well. She had thought it for a while, but for the past few years she has learned not to say these things to me right away. She has learned and so have I, that I have to figure things out on my own. I love her and thank her for that. I know I don't always make things easy. Anyway... I knew. I just thought I could change and make it work out. She gave me motherly advice. She told me I shouldn't have to work so hard at something that is meant to be. I shouldn't have to change for anyone. I should change for me and me only. (she is so great)
So, I got on facebook again not even a week ago. I told myself I wasn't going to snoop. Who was I kidding? I went to his page again... and I went to hers. Big mistake. I knew I was only hurting myself by doing that. I knew there was nothing I could do to make it better. I don't want him like that. I don't need him like that. I did at the beginning of our relationship. I know he was put in my path to help me get through some hard times... but I honestly believe that was it. His purpose for my life was complete. So why do I care? Because we were engaged. We were talking about eternity... and now he has moved on and already found his next fling. It hurts. It's like salt in an open wound. Why was he so over it and I, so not? How is that fair? Don't get me wrong, I am not broken. I am not crying all night wondering why. I am just hurt. So I deleted him from facebook. I don't want the negativity to creep into my mind anymore. I don't want to turn what we had into bitter thoughts. Yeah, we had something I felt was special for a while... but this is helping me move forward without hard feelings.
With all that being said... I am no longer jealous, mad or angry. I am happy with what we were and what we had. I learned a lot about myself and what I want and need in a future husband. He had some great qualities, but I need something different, qualities he didn't have. I deserve a fighter. I deserve someone who loves me regardless of my past. I deserve someone who loves my flaws, my faults, and my shortcomings without trying to change or mold me into what they need... Someone who accepts me for who I already am and yet makes me want to be a better person just because I want to improve myself. I know I will find that. I am in no rush. I will never rush another relationship again. It takes a while to really get to know someone. That is the fun part! The exciting part! Getting to know someone and learning to love them for exactly who they are :) I am focused on me again, and this time with the right attitude. I have my days, with ups and downs... I have my doubts sometimes, but that is life. I am human. I make mistakes. Of course I get sad sometimes. Of course every day isn't full of sunshine and lolly-pops... that would be living in a dream! We are supposed to feel things like sadness, frustration, stress and pain. It's OK to have a bad day as long as we don't let it take over us. I fall, but I get back up. I smile and laugh daily. I thank Heavenly Father for the little things. I am moving forward. So pride can take a hike!!! I feel awesome... and I can't wait to see what my future holds.
| ...Jack... from Courtney Renee by everybody loves courtKNEE |
| Ok, I must admit a few things. 1. I stole the following pictures from Adam and Natalies blog, but that is because of... 2. I haven't yet met my cute little nephew to take my own pictures :( BOO!!! But I will be seeing him in a few weeks... so for now, Adam, Nat... I apologize but Jack needs to be seen by all my friends so I can brag about how daggum cute he is and so they can "oooooh" and "aaaaaaah" along with me :) |
there used to be a really cute picture here... :( OH WELL we all know he is cute
| ISN'T HE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Jack, I want you to know that I love you so very much. I can't wait to watch you grow, smile, laugh, cry, eat, sleep, and progress. You have wonderful parents. They really love each other. They are perfect for one another and they are perfect for you. Always listen to them. They would never steer you in the wrong direction. Do good always. Learn from mistakes. Fall, but get back up. You have a very large and caring support group at your side and we truly all want what is best for you. Just always remember that I am your favorite :) no matter what Kelsey says or tries to drill into your cute little head... I am! She is awesome, don't get me wrong.. but I am awesomer!!! I love you Jack Aunt Courtney. |
| ...to you... from Courtney Renee by everybody loves courtKNEE Interesting morning, to say the least. 6am comes way to early for my liking, by the way. So I read my email. I cried. I didn't know how to reply so I will just say this... I do not regret... I learn. I love the person I am becoming thanks to everything I have gone through in my life and the people put in my path along the way, distracting or helpful. Emotion and feelings are all a part of being human. They are all a part of life. I think of pain, sadness, tears, joy, happiness, and excitement as blessings. In my short 25 years I have loved deeply and with passion. I have felt pain. I have been hurt on more than one occasion.... but I have lived. I have stumbled into situations I can only thank my Heavenly Father for getting me out of safely. I have been through my own personal hell(s) and back because of stupid decisions I have made, but I do not dwell on these things. I learn and grow from them. I want you to know I am OK. I am finding me. I had a conversation with my Dad when I was 18 years old. He looked up at me and asked what I want most in life. With tears in my eyes I replied, "happiness. I want to be happy." I have been on a journey from that point forward, searching for myself. Searching for happiness. You have helped me. You have been there for me. I thank you for that and I do not just look at our past and think 'what's done is done." Of course I did at one point, but that was part of my healing process. I wouldn't change anything that happened. I believe I already stated that a few posts back, but it is still true. I deal with things best as I know how. I am trying to move on and move forward... so I just need time. Give me time. That is all I need from you. Courtney |
| ...6 days... from Courtney Renee by everybody loves courtKNEE I am so excited! I leave on a jet plane to Salt Lake City, UT on Wednesday morning. I get to ride the wonderful bus to Rexburg where I will get to meet my new cute nephew Jack. I get to listen to Adam give Jack his baby blessing at church that Sunday with my whole family (minus Matt and Jake). I get to see old friends and maybe even make some new ones. I get to go on a mini road trip with Kelsey back to Boise,ID and hang out at her house with her and Porter! I will get to see the BSU campus where I will (hopefully) get the rest of my education.... so in other words, life for that week will completely ROCK and I can't even begin to explain how happy that makes me. I just love my family and how much fun we have when we are all together. Hours of laughter, good conversation, and memories to be made. On an even awesomer note, EVERYONE will be home for CHRISTMAS in TEXAS! Now that gives bragging rights. I will refrain. Well, at least until a little closer to go time. |
| Oh Idaho... from Courtney Renee by everybody loves courtKNEE It's official!!! I am in Idaho with Adam, Nat and JACK! The rest of the Jones clan strolls in on Saturday. Sunday is the day of sweet baby Jack's blessing. So, needless to say... this weekend is already amazing and will only get better. Today we strolled around BYU-I campus. This place has changed SO much since I lived here. I ran into a good friend of mine (Marky-mark Orwig) at The Crossroads and we get to hang out tomorrow night! I can't wait to see him and Tyler Cline! Reunions are so much fun. I can't hardly wait. SO the more I think about it, the more I would love to come visit here more often, but I just don't think being a student here is best for me. I am excited to tour the BSU campus when I get to Boise. I think living near Kelsey and Porter and within driving distance from Adam, Nat and Jack sounds pretty dang perfect to me... but we will see. I am not making the school decision on my own and this is all just me thinking out loud. For the past few months I had been really impatient and just wanted to know what my future held, but being here and seeing family and meeting Jack for the first time has made me realize I want to live in the moment more and make awesome memories along the way. I am in no hurry. I am having fun and living life right. |
| .My Bucket List. from Courtney Renee by everybody loves courtKNEE 1. Join a book club 2. Publish "Letter's to Me" 3. Run a half marathon 4. See a musical on Broadway 5. Visit a legit haunted house 6. Graduate college (BSU) 7. Find and marry the love of my life 8. Take an Alaskan cruise 9. Go ice fishing 10. Learn how to hunt 11. Go to Disney World 12. Go shopping on Rodeo Drive 13. Paint a masterpiece 14. Go to a Super Bowl game 15. Serve a mission with my spouse 16. Be an extra in a movie 17. Tour a castle 18. Adopt a child or two 19. Go skydiving 20. Hike Table Rock 21. Learn another language 22. Visit the Amazon 23. Plant a tree 24. Change someones life 25. Make a profitable investment 26. See the Eiffel Tower 27. Lear to play guitar 28. Spend a Christmas in NYC 29. Attend the Winter Olympics one year 30. See the 7 natural wonders of the world 31. Visit the Holy Land 32. Take a baking class 33. Help cure Alzheimer's Disease 34. Be in two places at once 35. Read the entire Bible 36. Go deep sea diving 37. Shake the hand of a U.S. President 38. Ride the subway in New York 39. Eat pasta in Italy 40. Ride in a hot air balloon 41. Take a U.S. road trip from coast to coast 42. See the northern lights 43. Procreate 44. Develop a unique recipe 45. Take a helicopter ride 46. Get scuba certified 47. Go to Hawaii and pick a coconut 48. Lay on a hammock in Jamaica 49. Learn to golf 50. Make an entire meal from scratch 51. Plant a garden 52. Learn astrology 53. Help children in a third world country 54. Eat gumbo in Louisiana 55. Sit in a legit igloo 56. Collect and then watch all the original Disney movies 57. Spend a week camping in the mountains 58. Visit the great wall of China 59. Write a Christmas song 60. See Brad Paisley in concert 61. Start a new trend 62. Go caving 63. Throw a Halloween party (a totally legit one) 64. Get an NFL quarterbacks autograph 65. Take a karate class 66. Play on an adult soccer team 67. Go to an 'Ellen' show 68. Visit the Sistine Chapel 69. See the Mona Lisa 70. Learn how to cut and color hair 71. Visit the Cinque Terre on the Italian Riviera 72. See the Acropolis in Greece 73. Travel somewhere by train 74. See the Macy's Day Parade live 75. Sculpt something spectacular 76. Write a country song 77. Go dog sledding 78. Stand under a waterfall 79. Milk a cow 80. Learn how to sail 81. Go on an African wildlife safari 82. Learn how to ballroom dance 83. Befriend a stranger 84. Dance in the rain 85. Leave a 100% tip 86. Run through a maze 87. Go hang gliding 88. Raise money for a charity 89. Get a professional massage at a resort 90. Ride an elephant 91. Sit on a bench downtown for a few hours dressed in rags 92. Travel to Australia 93. Go ghost hunting with a camcorder 94. Make 50 people smile in less than an hour 95. Go vegan for a week 96. Dress in a different costume everyday for 7 days 97. Give an interesting lecture or talk to a group of people 98. Send a love note out to sea 99. Sing in front of a live audience 100. Live life to the fullest and love it |
| Just being honest (and rambling to death) from Courtney Renee by everybody loves courtKNEE I am starring at the screen with so many thoughts rushing through my mind, yet I don't know where to begin or how to express anything I am thinking or feeling. I want to say so much but I don't think I would get my point across. Normal? What does that word even mean. Confused? Slightly. But... what's new? Can I just start over? Let me be 18 again... I would do so much very differently. I know experiences and trials make us who we are and point us in the direction of where we want to be... but I am running out of time here. I am 25, yes to most that is young.. but to me... it feels old. It's like I've spent the last 7 years in limbo trying to find happiness. Trying to find myself. Will the search ever end? I submit to you that it will not. OK it will, I just wish it would hurry the freak up! I want so much out of life. I want memories to share and dreams to make realities. I want love. I want happiness. I want to be myself. My confused, moody, over dramatic (at times) spastic sugar loving self. I want to be loved by someone who doesn't want to change me but understands me and where I am coming from and where I have been. Someone to love me for me and what I stand for and where I am going. I know it is possible and that I can reach my goal one day... I guess my patience is just wearing thin. I know all these things are up to me and my attitude and my choices. I need motivation. I need a change. I want to go back to school... I want to meet new people. I want to get out of my 7 year rut. Now is the time... Now or never. For real though... change.starts.now. Confession: There is this one guy that just won't get out of my head. It's like he is in the back of my mind all the time. I met him when I was visiting my sib's while they were away at school a few years ago. I went on one date with him... and just from hanging out for those few short days I could tell he was one of a kind. I feel silly even admitting that out loud but I just can't help but wonder what could have happened there. What could have happened if I had been enrolled at school while he was? Now he lives states away. We talk from time to time. I get giddy just thinking about it/him. He is wonderful... but I can't justify moving on a whim for someone that I hardly know. *creeper alert* Wow. But the funny thing is, if he did... I would be all about it. If only I knew he felt the same, I just might load my car up tomorrow and drive. For all I know he is in love with someone, but I still have this hope in the back of my mind that we will run into each other again and sparks fly. I think I am dreaming but I am ok with that. The other thing is, I can't help but think 'he is too good for me'... but then I think about the person I am becoming and know that I will deserve someone as great, if not better (psssshhhh, not possible) OK, I am freaking myself out. He has told me before I think too much. Well, I don't remember his words exactly, but it was something like that. Man, this is what I get when I stay up late, watch a sappy chick flick, think too long and get on a computer. NEVER a good outcome for blogging. I have become udderly ridiculous with a dash of creepy/stalker. Who am I!? I should just go to bed. I hope he doesn't read this. If he did, would he know it was all about him? New mission: Self improvement. Starting... NOW. I will be who I need to be when I meet that special man. Or meet him again, I should say... WINK!!! (I apologize to all of you who suffered through reading this... really, I do. I am being ridiculous, as usual... Good night planet Earth) |
| .My latest obsessions. from Courtney Renee by everybody loves courtKNEE |
I am obsessing over:
-Christmas music. I know, a little early...
-Reading. Right now, "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo"... Kinda hard to get into this one...
-White cheddar popcorn. 'Nuff said
-Scarves! All colors, patterns, fabrics etc.
-Boots, preferably cowgirl style...
-NOS Energy drinks, thanks Porter.
-Hair accessories... they can dress up a whole outfit!
-Abstract art. I find it very interesting...
What will it be next month? I find myself doing this lately. I will find something I just can't seem to get enough of for about 30-31 days, then I drop it like it's hot and on to the next obsession. It's like a bad relationship!
-Christmas music. I know, a little early...
-Reading. Right now, "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo"... Kinda hard to get into this one...
-White cheddar popcorn. 'Nuff said
-Scarves! All colors, patterns, fabrics etc.
-Boots, preferably cowgirl style...
-NOS Energy drinks, thanks Porter.
-Hair accessories... they can dress up a whole outfit!
-Abstract art. I find it very interesting...
What will it be next month? I find myself doing this lately. I will find something I just can't seem to get enough of for about 30-31 days, then I drop it like it's hot and on to the next obsession. It's like a bad relationship!
No comments:
Post a Comment